james o'brien

For the last seven days, I’ve been trying desperately to update my blog. As always, I’ve written a blog entry every day (as is my want); I just haven’t been able to complete and publish any of them them. Tonight’s there’s a bunch of entries which I’m going to re-visit, and they may just appear over the next few hours.

There’s a bunch of entries about everything from my social life to locking myself out of the house again. Yes, really.

Although this blog is not the kind of place where I reveal the intimate nature of my existence – as I blog under my “real name” that’s something I don’t want to do – I do use this as a means of tracking my life for those negative patterns which sometimes emerge. I’ve also found it’s a good way for me to think through some of the things in my life which cause me concern, and thus hopefully find a more positive way forward. When I’m grumpy or depressed, for example, it’s my hope a bit of personal creativity might help me break the cycle of negativity.

For others, I’m hoping the food, the wine, the travel, and the occasional insight into a slightly crazy character is also vaguely entertaining.

And that’s the problem. Just about everything I’ve written over the last week has been dead boring.

Maybe it’s just a bit of “writers block” – trying to find the right words – or perhaps, more likely, there’s something deeper going on? Maybe it’s not the words? Maybe it’s just that my life is a bit boring right now.

“I’m in a bit of a rut at the moment”, I’ve told a few friends over the last few days. Although I’m feeling well and truly satisfied in my professional life at the moment, I’m feeling less satisfied with other parts of my life. I’m going through that “I wish I had a partner” phase of my life once again without necessarily having the will or desire to do anything about it. I’m also going through that, “what does the rest of my life hold for me?” kind of feelings.

Part of me thinks it’s because I went to the financial advisor a few weeks ago and started talking about things like retirement, and have also made an appointment about my will. I’m not so concerned about the financial things, more about the life plan. We talked, for example, about my desire to move home to Lismore at some point. I’ve also got a fairly vague desire to live in Sweden at some point. At age forty-five, I’m wondering if those really are my short and long-term desires.

The last time I felt this way I booked an overseas holiday and went travelling for three months. Part of me thinks this would be a good strategy again. Part of me thinks I should just grow up a bit and try to find more comfort in my own skin.

Who said I don’t use this blog for a degree of self-revelation?

Maybe I’ll feel better after a few days in Lismore over Easter?

In the meantime, it’s a full-moon and I have no plans to leave the house…