Why is it so hard to take a holiday?

They say it takes a few days of being on holiday before you actually feel like you’re on holiday. Today was my first day of leave and relaxation feels a long way off.

I woke early this morning, had some breakfast, and went back to bed until about 10:30. Then, despite my promise to myself not to do this, I dealt with some emails. I sent a few more throughout the day, mostly to let people know I was out of the office and would respond when I returned later in the week. I’m working only one day at the moment, Thursday or Friday.

However, my headspace is definitely not in holiday mode yet.

I tried to shift gears by visiting the State Library of New South Wales. I grabbed a sandwich for lunch, browsed the bookstore, and then explored a couple of exhibitions upstairs.

The Press Photography exhibition is one I try to see every year. This year, the images from Ukraine were particularly striking. The photographers captured the grim reality of the war with a professionalism that was both impressive and unsettling. It made me reflect on the complexities of documenting suffering. There was also a strong showing from Australian photographers, with highlights including stunning shots of the Outback and captivating images of Australian swimmers.

I also stumbled upon an unexpected exhibition about the Dunera Boys, a group of Jewish refugees interned in Australia during World War II. The exhibition was surprisingly large, featuring photographs, videos, and artwork created by the internees. It was a moving and informative experience. I remember reporting on the Dunera Boys back in the early 90s when I was working in Wagga Wagga. Hay, where one of the internment camps was located, was part of my listening area for ABC Riverina. I had the opportunity to meet and interview some of them, and I can’t help but wonder how many are still alive today.

Even though I’m trying to disconnect from work, I couldn’t resist sending an email to the team at ABC Riverina about the exhibition. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

This afternoon, I came home, put up some Christmas lights, and finally allowed myself to relax. I plan to watch some television, listen to music, and truly embrace the holiday spirit. I hope.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting my friend John for lunch and I have a physiotherapy appointment. Later in the week, I’m getting together with some former colleagues from the Regional and Local team at the ABC. We were disbanded in July of last year, but we’ve remained close. It will be good to catch up and celebrate the end of the year.

I’ve been thinking about why it’s been so hard for me to relax on this first day of my holiday. Perhaps it’s because it feels like a return to normality after the past eighteen months of recovering from illness and a life-changing amputation. I’m finally starting to feel like myself again, but I’ve probably been pushing myself too hard at work. That’s why I insisted on taking some time off this year. Last year, I simply didn’t have the energy to even consider working over the summer. I took the time off and truly enjoyed it. This year, I have more energy, but I also feel the pull to be productive.

I’m taking four weeks off but will be working one day a week on average. My department at the ABC has been going through some changes, and we’re dealing with some staff illnesses. I felt compelled to offer my support.

Perhaps this explains why I’m finding it difficult to switch off. I hope it won’t be long before I can fully embrace the break and recharge. I’m mindful of the life changing experiences I’ve had, and my earlier resolutions not to work so hard. Friends and I have often discussed our feelings of “imposter syndrome”, that we perhaps overcompensate because we can’t quite believe we’ve made it to where we have in our careers. Maybe I need to think more deeply about this, or maybe I just need to go for a swim?