My mind went back to the Sunday night six and a half months ago, when I fell and broke my hip. I don’t remember much about it, except that I tripped on the footpath and then, after the trip, I blacked out briefly in a lot of pain.
That memory came back tonight because I felt a genuine fear of falling again, maybe breaking my other hip. I was at the Sydney Contemporary Art Exhibition, an event I’ve been going to forever. Usually, I go with my friend Kate, but she’s tragically dealing with a death in her family, so I went by myself.
I don’t remember the exhibition ever being so busy. Almost instantly, when I got inside and started walking around, this fear of falling just took over. There were so many people, and many weren’t even looking where they were going. A couple of people brushed against me, almost knocking me over. I found myself walking along, holding onto the walls, because of the fear. After only about 15 minutes, I realized I couldn’t do it. It was just too difficult to get around.
So, I decided to sit down and have a glass of wine to calm my nerves.
I only had a chance to look at some of the works on paper.
The guy at the front counter at Sydney Contemporary was really fantastic. I explained the situation—that I had bought a ticket but was too afraid of falling to stay—and asked if I could come back another day. He organized a ticket that will allow me to return on the weekend, early in the morning, when it’s quieter.
It’s funny how you can go from feeling awesome about the world to feeling so awfully scared. Yesterday, I was on top of the world because of the arrival my new mobility scooter. But tonight, I feel a little sad, to be honest, knowing there are some things I probably just can’t do anymore. The atmosphere inside—the soundtrack reminding me of 80s, 90s, and early 2000s dance parties—and the crowds were too busy.
The one thing I’ve learned about my journey with disability is that it’s not a linear progression. Things do get better, but feelings can go up and down. Tomorrow, I’m going to a big day put on called ‘No Limits,’ which is all about amputees and support. I’m sure I’ll emerge from that feeling great about the world again. And on the weekend, I’ll make a second attempt at Sydney Contemporary, and will use it as a maiden voyage for my mobility scooter.
Thank you so much for sharing so openly the complexities of your changed life. In reading your words am learning a great deal about courage. You are very generous.
Many thanks Rosie. Hopefully sharing some of the difficult bits as well as the positive bits adds to understanding for everyone, but particularly for people who might go through a similar sitation. Oh, and BTW, I caught up with Di Y the other week when she was in Sydney.